life lessons from a therapist

I just finished Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb and recommend it both for entertainment and enrichment. Thanks to my friend, Paru Radia, for turning me on to it. Here are ten of my favorite quotes and takeaways. If you read it, I’m sure you will find many other lessons that will help you in your day-to-day work and personal life.

  1. I know how affirming it feels to blame the outside world for my frustrations, to deny ownership of whatever role I might have in the existential play called My Incredibly Important Life.
    It’s so much easier to pin the blame on everyone else so that we don’t have to feel the pain, admit that we did something wrong, or hold ourselves accountable. We can’t make it better if we don’t acknowledge our part in it. I remember years ago after a failed relationship staying up all night working through the question “what was my part in it?” because I didn’t want to make the same mistakes that led me to this conclusion again. This is essential whether our part in the failure was the majority or minority causation.
  2. If you go through life picking and choosing, if you don’t recognize that “the perfect is the enemy of the good,” you may deprive yourself of joy.
    I was taught perfectionism from an early age – not on purpose, but the result was still the same. It will always be a struggle, but the fact that you are reading this is proof that I am getting better. When I remember that my purpose for the website and my posts on social is to help others, it seems selfish to hold off posting because a sentence or thought is not perfect.
  3. Most big transformations come about from the hundreds of tiny, almost imperceptible, steps we take along the way.
    Let’s say you want to change the culture at your company, transition your career into a completely different industry, or lose fifteen pounds. None of these aspirations are achievable overnight, but starting with the end in mind and tracing the small steps backwards is really the only way to reach any BHAG.
  4. When people delude themselves into believing they have all the time in the world…they get lazy.
    The context of this quote is around dying, but it applies to life, work, family, projects. Whenever the deadline is far off, we procrastinate and don’t do much work. See #3.
  5. In idiot compassion, you avoid rocking the boat to spare people’s feelings, even though the boat needs rocking and your compassion ends up being more harmful than your honesty. Its opposite is wise compassion, which means caring about the person but also giving him or her a loving truth bomb when needed.
    We all worry about how constructive feedback will go over, but it usually is welcomed when it comes from a place of compassion and empathy. I would like to see someone illustrate a “loving truth bomb”. I can’t draw, but I imagine this beautiful, colorful orb shooting out lovely scented flowers that feel like a hug when they hit you, a soothing light to prepare you to be enlightened, and maybe a small snack to give you the energy to take action.
  6. Before you speak, ask yourself, What is this going to feel like to the person I’m speaking to?
    This is the author’s suggestion for building empathy. Simple, but if we can add to our quiver of habits it could be all-powerful. If we can remember to pause, filling the space with this question will lead to the best results.
  7. Your feelings don’t have to mesh with what you think they should be. They’ll be there regardless, so you might as well welcome them because they hold important clues.
    Going back to perfectionism, denying or trying to repress our unwanted feelings will not change them. Only sitting with them, maybe in meditation, and studying them will lead us to the change we seek.
  8. The things we protest against the most are often the very things we need to look at.
    This one is so painful to do. Looking at the things that most annoy us about other people and examining if the reason why is because we do the same things in some form or fashion can be extremely cringe-worthy, but the exercise will probably make us less annoying to both ourselves and others.
  9. Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
    I’ve found that this comes with work and maturity. If you are a young person that is able to do this, I applaud you. As mentioned in #6, it’s that essential pause that we can fill with thoughtful choice instead of rushing in to get our point across, prove we are right, or impress our audience with our thoughts.
  10. ...we talk to ourselves more than we’ll talk to any other person over the course of our lives but that our words aren’t always kind or true or helpful—or even respectful.
    If we had to choose one of these habits to adopt, this one will make the biggest impact, because we can only choose empathy for others when we have it for ourselves.

If you enjoyed this book as much as I did, let me know your ah-ha moments.

sushi by m

Instead of ordering in our usual Sugarfish weekend treat, we decided to venture out a bit Friday night. It was a tentative start, with raindrops beginning blocks away from our destination. Fingers were crossed for a covered space, and we were delighted to see the structure in place to shield us from the possible drizzle as we approached Sushi by M. Our reservation was for 6:00 pm and we were surprised to see all four tables filled when we arrived around 5:55 pm. The host assured us that our table would be ready in around 10 minutes, so we huddled under a neighboring canopy to escape the intermittent sprinkle.

The 10-minute wait felt much shorter with the offer of sake from our host. The hospitality at Sushi by M is exemplary, with everyone doing everything they can to make you feel welcome and happy. There are two options for omakase – 12 pieces of sushi for $50 or 18 (with a few more premium options) for $95 – both with the selections for the night shown on the chalkboard brought out as the menu. We went for the lower-priced option and weren’t disappointed. The pieces were a perfect bite-size and went beyond the typical salmon and tuna to sweet shrimp, uni, and scallop. Each was sauced by the chef to highlight the individual flavor of the fish. We added a scallop/uni and toro/scallion handroll to complete the meal. This would probably not be enough for a lot of people, but we were just short of feeling full.

Sake continued to flow throughout the meal, and when the check arrived, we realized it was included in the pricing. With tax and tip, our total was $165. Sushi by M is definitely worth a try – just know that you will probably want to go for the larger omakase or add on a few items to satisfy your appetite.

modern-day mixtapes

I originally wrote this article/journal entry for an industry publication for which I am a writer. We didn’t end up with a place for it, so I’m sharing here so it doesn’t go to waste.

The 80’s mixtape has reinvented itself as the 21st Century playlist. With today’s streaming technology, it’s even easier to share our musical passions with others. As a Gen Xer, I remember waiting by my boombox for hours when I was in middle/high school for the local radio station to play that one specific song so I could hit “record” and complete my perfect cassette. Now, all I have to do is type the title (or even just a line from the chorus) into YouTube or Apple Music. What hasn’t changed is the need for different playlists for different environments, moods, and events. For example, our showroom mix has over 250 hours of songs from every decade and genre so that no one gets bored over the course of the week, but when happy hour comes around, a new playlist is needed to change the energy. While working from home in the quarantine, I decided to put together a COVID-inspired mixtape — a little humor, a little commiseration, and some hope to get through it all. 

Wanda’s COVID-19 Mixtape https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/covid-19/pl.u-DdANNBeta73Kxb

Yesterday /The Beatles
Can’t Touch This / MC Hammer
Don’t Stand So Close to Me / The Police
Under Pressure / Queen + David Bowie
Changes / David Bowie
Shelter / Broken Bells
Outside Sublime / Westerman
I’m Still Standing / Elton John What the World Needs Now / Cat Power
Raise Your Glass / Pink
Party On a Weekday / MYBADD + Olivia Holt
Dancing On My Own / Robyn
Out of My Head / Fastball
Living On Video / Trans-X
Who’s Zooming Who? / Aretha Franklin
Should I Stay or Should I Go / The Clash
Miss You / The Rolling Stones
Tell Me When It’s Over / The Dream Syndicate
I Will Survive / Gloria Gaynor
Fight Song / Rachel Platten
I’m Coming Out / Diana Ross
I’ll Stand By You / Pretenders
Imagine / John Lennon

i am part of the problem

All last week I was reading posts, slack chats, articles about racism and then writing down thoughts. I considered posting an article, but I worried that I would say the wrong thing or that my voice wasn’t that important. I want to give credit to the person who really started me thinking about what to do – Gillian Harding, a fellow Chief member – by her passionate posts on our Chief Slack platform. Also, to the two people responsible for convincing me to sit down, write, and then publish. First, W. Kamau Bell was a guest on the Conan show recently, and he said just do something. That it might be wrong – it probably will be, but just try something. Liliana Petrova, another Chief member, said that there were so many destructive voices out there, that it is our responsibility to add to the constructive side.

In the end, I decided that the best thing to post is a simple list of what I am doing and planning to do. There is nothing earth-shattering on this list, but it’s a start. I’m open to suggestions of things to add. Ask me how I’m doing to hold me accountable.

  1. Admit I am part of the problem. Here goes. I am racist. I have racist thoughts. I commit racist acts. It doesn’t matter if I mean to or not. I am not doing anything to fix the problem.
  2. Continue to remind myself of #1.
  3. Follow people on social media that are calling attention to the problem and working on solutions. 
  4. Read articles about things to do. See below for a few I found helpful.
  5. Actively expand my social circle and professional network to include more black people. Let me know if you want to be my friend. I’m not kidding. I’m not quite sure how to do this, but now that it’s on my list, I have to figure it out.
  6. Talk to my current circle of white people about what is happening and how we can help.
  7. Donate my time to help more black individuals professionally by helping to expand their network and coaching them based on things I have learned in the marketing, sales, and management space. This idea came from Kate Huyett, CMO of Bombas, and yet another Chief member, and I am following her lead. You can sign up for a 30-minute time slot here or contact me at thewandarerblog@gmail.com.
  8. Find out more about what is happening in my neighborhood – things like what are the stats on police accountability, what are my elected officials doing to promote diversity and reduce racism, does my neighborhood improvement have any diversity initiatives. I don’t know if these are the right data points. I’m open to suggestions on other topics on which I should educate myself.
  9. Read more books about black culture and history. I started this a while ago, but now I am adding that I will find an action I can take from each one. You can find some of the ones that I found both beautiful and helpful in giving me a different perspective here.
  10. Revisit this list in a month to check my progress and add more items.

Articles I Found Helpful
Dear White People: Here Are 10 Actions You Can Take To Promote Racial Justice In The WorkplaceForbes

If you’re a white person wondering what to do during the George Floyd protests, I have some advice, The Independent

Becoming Trustworthy White Allies Yale University Reflections

Updates

10.4.20 Month 5. Successful voter letter-writing happy hour – mailing the letters on 10/17 to remind people to vote. Here is the website if you are interested in participating: Votefwd.org. I’ve applied to be a poll worker, and if that doesn’t work out, I’ll volunteer as an election protectionist through Common Cause – either way, my goal is to make sure everyone has the opportunity to vote and a good voting experience.

9.6.20 Month 4. Starting the book Caste for a book discussion in a couple of weeks. Have heard great things about it. Also working on a plan to help with voting – putting together a happy hour to write letters letting people know they can vote by mail and looking into volunteering in PA on Election Day. Haven’t figured this part out yet, so let me know if you have organizations that are working to encourage voter turnout in PA.

8.12.20 Month 3. My book circle has been insightful, helpful and amazing! We hold our last meeting in two weeks and have agreed to continue to challenge and support each other as we continue our education and efforts. I was blown away and heart broken by the book Just Mercy and am researching how to get more involved through the EJI website. As one of our circle group members pointed out last night, making sure everyone votes and is counted is the most pressing need, so I am committing to that first, and then move to EJI. Still not enough, but this is my update.

7.5.20 It’s been almost a month, so here is my promised update. My focus has been mostly on education, which I believe was the right way to begin. Changing my mindset includes changing the things I see everyday, so I have added Instagram follows including @ckyourprivilege, @laylafsaad, @ibramxk, @violadavis, @kamalaharris, @naacp, @wkamaubell, @civilrightsorg, @colorofchange, @obamafoundation, and @privtoprog. Let me know if you have other favorites. I finished the book Me and White Supremacy and have organized two book circles, beginning tomorrow, to challenge me and other white women to learn and take action. I held a call with a job-seeker who found me through the Pay it Forward program and hope it was helpful for her. Next is working through this list that was recommended to me – lots of reading and and ideas for action. Be back next month with an update and more resources for those on a similar journey.

6.12.20 I’m currently reading and working through Me and White Supremacy by Layla Saad and highly recommend it for the education and thought starters.

check out the map

As you may have noticed, I haven’t been posting as much lately. I think I got tired of trying to get photos of everything before we ate and trying to remember each dish in order to describe it accurately – to the point it was encroaching on the enjoyment. What I am doing is updating the map, which you can find here or here, including a short write-up on our experience or the review that led me to add it to the map. Hope you enjoy it!

bunker

There are so many amazing restaurants in NYC – some that we have tried, and even more that we want to try. It’s always a dilemma to decide whether to go back to a favorite or experience something new. Either way, we tend to plan ahead at least a bit before leaving the house, but occasionally we end up in need of food in an area we don’t know. In most instances, when we just chose a restaurant at random, we left feeling we had wasted money, calories, and more importantly, the opportunity for an exquisite meal. I created my Food & Drink Map for just this situation and it came through again for us with Bunker after our tour of the Raw Wine Festival in an industrial section of East Williamsburg.

As a side, if you love natural wines, you should definitely try the Raw Wine Festival next year. The venue is filled with interesting bottles served by passionate, friendly producers from all over the world. The first couple of years, we attempted to try everything. Our strategy this year was a bit more mature. We began with our favorites, and then asked them who to try next. We also allowed ourselves to dump some of the wine in order to try more varietals without feeling like we had been run over by a truck the next morning. And back to the food.

Vietnamese can be especially prone to mediocrity, so Bunker was a delightful surprise for us. Slightly overexposed to wine, I went for one of the cocktails. Of course, since it has taken me so long to write this, the name and ingredients have escaped me. You have to enjoy a beverage served in pottery emblazoned with a cool guy’s face on it. Unfortunately, they were out of the papaya salad, but we were happy with the Saigon Bańh Mi and Summer Rolls for a quick snack to tide us over until dinner. The servers were lovely and excited about making recommendations. Bunker will be on our list to go back to after next year’s wine outing.

mornings in nyc

I wish I was a morning person, but I reluctantly pry myself out of bed every day somewhere around 6 am (depending on whether or not I snoozed a bit) for 30 minutes of exercise (of which I hate every second) and 5-10 minutes of meditation before getting ready for work. It has to be a non-negotiable habit for me to maintain a degree of health.

Occasionally, I have to be somewhere for work super early, like today. We’re having new carpet installed in our office/showroom, and the installers wanted to get the elevator lobby done before morning traffic started and stepped into their wet adhesive. It was really a blessing for me that they made this ask because NYC in the mornings is really something to experience.

I salute the people who get up way earlier than me to ensure we can order our morning coffee, that our happy hour cocktail ingredients are stocked, and that we have beautiful new flooring. I love walking in while they are getting ready for the day. There’s a different feel at this time. Hopeful. Friendly People say “good morning”.

I won’t be making the 6:30 am trek to work except under duress, but I still appreciate the beauty of it.

ichiran

For Derek, the arrival of chilly temps brings the opportunity to don a jacket, which he loves. For me, it’s the excuse to slurp hot noodles, especially ramen, and particularly tonkotsu. Our top spot for tonkotsu is shared by the classic bowls at three establishments – a place in Atlanta called Umaido, Brushstrokes Noodle Bar (recently closed) in NYC, and Ichiran in Tokyo. Fortunately for us, Ichiran opened its second NYC outpost in Midtown, so ventured up to try it.

At noon on Sunday, a short line had formed. We spent eighteen minutes and forty-two seconds in anticipation until we were seated. A clipboard with ordering options was given to us in the last few minutes of the wait, providing us a glimpse at our options and saving valuable down time at the booth before the ramen arrived.

The ordering sheet looks complicated, but you can’t go wrong just going with the recommended spice level, noodle firmness, broth consistency, and other choices. I would advise adding the egg, but it’s up to you if you want to go with any of the other additions.

For beverages, stick with the Asahi. I tried the matcha draft beer and didn’t feel it made a lot of sense. I love matcha, but it just seemed to muddy the flavors of the beer and tone down the refreshment factor.

The biggest things missing in NYC from the Tokyo branches are the machine ordering system and the retractable screen to combine booths – neither of which made a real difference in the experience.

The simplicity of Ichiran’s lone base and limited options makes for pure ramen pleasure. Warms the body and spirit, and helps keep your skin young and elastic – at least that’s what I tell myself to justify the calories. Please don’t tell me if I’m wrong.

racine’s

Racine’s is one of the places I am prepared to love everything about, and I almost do. The people are knowledgeable and friendly at the bar and the wines are beautiful. Unfortunately, the food was solid, but not stand-out. Maybe we hit them at a bad time. We were among the first to arrive, because we had planned to slide in before the crowds hit at Brushstrokes’ Noodle Bar, but had to find a new option when we discovered that our dream ramen place had closed the weekend before. We should stop for a moment of silence to remember the closing of the last of the great David Bouley Tribeca spots (except his special events space, which is also immensely impressive).

Let’s start with the star of the show. You really can’t go wrong with Racine’s amazing biodynamic wine list. The Mai & Kenji Hodgson ‘Faia’ Vin Blanc from the Loire Valley, was bright and minerally, chosen to complement our many small-bite selections from the food menu. Both the sommelier and bartender (we chose seats at the bar) were helpful in curating our choice.

It’s taken me a while to write this review, so I apologize for not remembering every dish. Our food journey began with the Chicken Wing Schnitzel with Lemon Aioli, which was a tasty bite of fried, deboned chicken wing – impossible to not enjoy. Next, the Buckwheat Blini with Uni and Smoked Carrot had nice components but didn’t come together as cohesively as we would have liked. Because we were set on noodles, we tried the deconstructed Pho – not bad, but not special either.

We’ll be back for wine, or just bring home from Chambers Street, but there are too many fantastic food moments in NYC to go back for the food.